Scribed In Light

The Truth About Domestic Abuse, Why Victims Stay, and What It Takes to Survive.

You see a woman with a bruised face, and you gasp. You offer help. But what if she has no bruises?

What if the wounds are invisible – stitched into the way she walks on eggshells, the way she second-guesses herself, the way she trembles when her phone rings?

What if her abuser is your church pastor, your communities mayor, your local Police Officer, your very best friend? What if she tells you she’s afraid, and you say:

“But he’s such a good man.”

“But I’ve never seen him do anything wrong.”

“But why didn’t you just leave sooner?”

You may not realize it, but you just helped him.

abuse doesn’t begin the way you think it does

It doesn’t start with a slap.

It doesn’t start with screaming or threats.

It often starts with love-bombing. With someone making you feel so incredibly cherished, so chosen, that you believe you have finally found the love you always longed for.

He tells you he adores you. That no one has ever understood him like you. That he wants to build a life with you, protect you, keep you safe.

And then, piece by piece, he starts dismantling your world.

It starts with small things:

• “Why do you always hang out with her? She’s a bad influence.” “She isn’t a true friend, doesn’t really care about you like you do about her, or have your best interests in mind.” ” I can’t believe your choosing them over me.” (Isolation begins)
• “You don’t really want to work, do you? I can take care of you, that way you can focus on the children and our home…us”. (Financial control sets in.)
• “You’re overreacting. You’re too emotional.” (Gaslighting starts.)

By the time the insults come, the accusations, the threats – you’ve already lost your foundation. You no longer trust your own thoughts. You wonder if maybe he’s right.

This is what covert abuse looks like. The kind that doesn’t leave bruises, but leaves victims so tangled in manipulations and self-doubt that by the time they realize they are in a prison, they have no idea how to get out.

when your abuser is loved by the world

Some abusers wear masks so well that the world only sees the hero. A man of God. A community leader. A devoted husband and father.

They charm the public, build a reputation of excellence and service, making it almost impossible for their victims to be believed.

“But he’s so respected – he would never do that.”

“Are you sure you’re not just exaggerating?”

“Maybe you’re just angry…bitter.”

I know this story well.

Abusers can be anyone. More often than not, they are a reputable community leader:

A firefighter.

An EMT.

A church elder.

A mayor.

A leader in every social circle.

To the world, he is godly, devoted, and selfless.

Behind closed doors, he is controlling, manipulative, and cruel.

He isolates them.

He controls them…especially the finances.

He destroys all supportive relationships, and those he cannot, he attempts to control.

He manipulates their faith, or past traumas. Often using it against them.

He makes sure that when they finally speak out, no one will believe them.

Even after children come forward (even once grown into adults) with their own accounts, and their own personal experiences which confirm the truth, people still defend him.

Because in reality…they never knew the same man. They had never experienced the individual behind the mask…behind the closed doors. To them, his mask was real.

This is why so many women don’t come forward.

why didn’t she just leave?

Because by the time she realized how horribly wrong things had become – by the time she realized she was in danger – she had no way out.

Because leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim.

• 75% of domestic violence-related murders happen AFTER the victim tries to leave.
• Abusers escalate- stalking, threats, sabotage, even murder.
• Victims are emotionally, often socially, and financially trapped – with nowhere to go.

When they finally find the courage to tell them they are done, it gets worse...often times…MUCH worse.

• They will turn friends, family, support system against you. Trust me…they know their weaknesses too. When those individuals dont shift, they often focus the debilitating attacks upon the friends’ characters as well- in attempt to discredit them from ability to share truth.
• They often cross lines and break into belongings, vehicles, homes. At times while they are still in the home, when gone, and while asleep.
• They will go through your devices…have been known to plant spyware.
• They will use children, friends, family, faith…as pawns to manipulate and control you.
• When none of that works to keep you there….They threaten your life…often too, the lives of your children.

I was urged by my sister and my lawyer to reach out to Women Helping Women due to the level of concern they carried for my life…for my children’s lives. I hesitated. Many weeks I hesitated. In that position…at that moment…you are so lost, so confused, so devastated. You question yourself, you overthink everything, and you fear the wrong choices. In your heart, you loved this individual, carried dreams, hopes, and built your entire future around them. You only want to make things right again. What you don’t realize. What you cannot see. Is that this is not of your control. It never was.

The day I reached out to the hotline was perhaps one of the darkest days for me. Yet too…it brought with it the utmost of clarity, hope, and direction.

I called Women Helping Women. They walked me through an assessment. Every single high-risk box was checked. Read that again. Every. Single. Box.

I was so certain they had to be wrong that I made them go through that list 3 seperate times. In honesty, I was stunned. The reality of the truth which I had been already carrying… now in black and white before me.

They told me I had to leave- NOW. That if I stayed, it wasn’t a matter of if. It was a matter of when.

I had no support system. I had no job. I had no finance. Women Helping Women stepped in and made all the arrangements.

And that’s how I escaped.

how society makes it worse

The world asks the wrong questions when it comes to abuse.

• Why didn’t she just leave?
  • How did he trap her?
• She seemed fine- I never saw any bruises.
  • What was she forced to hide?
• She’s probably just bitter and stretching truths.
  • Why would she risk everything to tell her truth?

Too often, the world protects abusers without realizing it.

1. By refusing to believe victims.
2. By making excuses.
3. By giving the abuser the benefit of the doubt while making the victim prove her pain.

And that’s why so many women die.

what real support looks like

If you suspect someone is in an abusive relationship:

• Believe her. Don’t question, don’t judge, just listen.

• Help her create a safety plan. She may not be ready to leave today – but she needs a safe exit plan.
• Don’t pressure her. Leaving has got to happen on her terms, in a way that keeps her safest.
• Offer tangible help. A safe place to stay, financial assistance, resources.
• Connect her with domestic violence support.

For any woman who is suffering like circumstances

If you are reading this and you feel trapped, confused, broken – this is for you.

You are not crazy.

You are not weak.

You are not imagining things.

And you are not alone.

I know it’s hard to see right now, but there is a way out. There are people who will believe you, help you, walk with you.

But you have to take that first step.

If you are in immediate danger, PLEASE… call for help.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1- 800- 799- SAFE (7233)

or use this website: thehotline.org (24/7 live chat available)

If you don’t know where to start, reach out. There is hope. There is freedom. And you deserve both.

Now generally, I end my blogs with a key phrase, or a scripture of guidance. A token to leave my readers in personal thought. Today I want to address the victims…and Society. To leave them with final thoughts to ponder. But first, I want to address further here…that relationships vary. It is not always a man who is the aggressor. It is not. Do not be misled by a persons gender.

Today, this blog’s core mission is to awaken society – to shake bystanders out of their silence and force them to see their role in either enabling abuse, or stopping it.

Victims, no matter the gender, need to know they are not alone and have a way out. But society needs to be held accountable- because too often, we as a society make leaving harder.

For the Victim:

“If you are drowning in this, I need you to hear me: You are not crazy. You are not weak. You are not imagining things. And you are not alone. There is a way out, and I pray you take the first step before he takes everything from you. Everything.”

For Society:

“If you are silent, you are complicit. If you question her more than you question him, you are complicit. If you choose comfort over confrontation, you are complicit. And if your first thought is “But he seems like such a good guy”- then you are part of the reason so many victims never make it out alive.

I lived it. I survived it. I see you. And I will never stop speaking for those who can’t – until every individual finds their way to freedom. For those still trapped, for every child still afraid, for every voice still silenced – I will not stop. And neither should you.

With unwavering truth, unshaken faith, and a heart that refuses to be silent –

Tina