How to Stop Projecting and Start Guiding With Clarity
Let’s be honest—how many of us have dropped one of these lines:
“When I was your age, I had to…”
“You don’t know how good you have it…”
“If you only understood what I went through…”
We think we’re teaching. We think we’re protecting. But most of the time? We’re just parenting through our own baggage. I know I’m guilty
When Our Past Becomes Their Burden
Here’s the vital truth: when we parent through our own fears, regrets, and old wounds, we are doing the exact opposite of what we’re hoping for.
We think we’re keeping our children safe.
But what we’re really doing is smothering them.
- Instead of keeping them close, we push them away.
- Instead of building trust, we create fear.
- They stop sharing their truest selves with us, terrified of disappointing us.
- And slowly, they begin to feel unseen, unheard, and devalued.
That’s not protection. That’s relationship sabotage.
The Difference Between Protection and Projection
Of course, parenting requires guidance and protection—that’s our sacred role. But there’s a world of difference between:
- Guiding with a clenched fist: “Live my story so you don’t repeat my pain.”
- Guiding with an open hand: “I’ll walk beside you while you discover yours.”
One imprisons. The other empowers.
Children are not extensions of our biography. They are not blank pages for us to rewrite our autobiography upon. They are their own book, with their own chapters waiting to be written.
Parenting With Intention
When we parent outside of ourselves—when we release the need to control through fear—we step into parenting with awareness and intention. That shift creates space for our children to embrace their unique calling while freeing us to actually enjoy the process.
The opportunity before us is huge: to stop parenting through the filter of our own past, and start parenting with greater vision—one that looks beyond ourselves and toward the journey our children are called to walk.
That means…
- Sharing wisdom, but not pressing it as law.
- Offering boundaries, but leaving room for discovery.
- Protecting, but not projecting.
- Loosening our grip enough to marvel at their unfolding story.
Celebrating their effort and focus instead of poking holes in their joy. A child who feels their hard work is recognized will rise even higher, while one whose achievements are dismissed will quietly retreat. Discouragement deflates faster than discipline corrects, and if we fail to acknowledge their effort and joy, we risk teaching them to hide their victories instead of sharing them. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give our kids is to simply celebrate with them. Because in the end, the greatest gift we can give our children is not the safety of our shadows, but the courage to walk in their light.
Quick Wake-Up Checklist
Signs you might be parenting through your past:
- You tell your child, “I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did”… more often than you ask what they dream of.
- You feel triggered when their struggles mirror your own, and you react out of fear instead of calm.
- You measure their choices by your regrets, not their potential.
Shifting into clarity looks like:
- Asking open-ended questions and listening without judgment.
- Guiding from wisdom, but allowing room for their own growth.
- Trusting that God has a unique plan for their life—even if it looks different than yours.
Scriptures That Speak Into This
- “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” — Proverbs 22:6
- “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” — Ephesians 6:4
So I ask you gently, as I ask myself: are we parenting through the echoes of our past, or through the hope of their future?
Let’s unclench our grip. Let’s release projection. And let’s raise our children not as mirrors of us—but as the unique, radiant souls God created them to be.
With love, and a whole lot of humility,
Tina N. Campbell | Scribed In Light
Scribed In Light 
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